In this episode of the 5 Leadership Questions podcast, Todd Adkins and Ben Mandrell are joined by Carey and Toni Nieuwhof, author of Before You Split. They discuss the following questions:
- An overview of your background
- How did being in the pastorate affect your marriage and this book?
- What was the transition like going from being lawyers to being in the ministry?
- What was your viewpoint like as Carey’s spouse?
- What tips do you have on starting to attack this problem instead of watching it wither?
“Leading up to my burnout there was a lot of strife in our marriage.” – Carey Nieuwhof
“There were times where our personal struggle was so intense that it was hard to be at church on Sundays – for both of us.” – Toni Nieuwhof
“At the end of the day, emotional maturity is spiritual maturity and emotional immaturity is spiritual immaturity.” – Carey Nieuwhof
“It was a real bone of contention between us that there was so much success outside of our home but so much tension between us.” – Toni Nieuwhof
“If you are winning at work, but you are losing at home, you are losing.” – Carey Nieuwhof
“I want the people closest to me to be the people most grateful for me.” – Carey Nieuwhof
“One of the problems that I’ve seen is the natural human tendency to be blinded by a victim narrative.” – Toni Nieuwhof
“The problem with the victim narrative is that it allows us to take ourselves off the hook.” – Toni Nieuwhof
“Leadership is so hard, our marriage was hard, and what I would do was look for the one thing I could control.” – Carey Nieuwhof
“Whatever you can do to bring down the conflict level and take some of the intensity out of what is going on between you relationally is a great first focus, but that’s something you may need a counselor’s help with.” – Toni Nieuwhof
“Your spouse cannot bear the weight of being your only friend.” – Toni Nieuwhof